The following were actually taken from newspaper (mostly classified) ads:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 8 YEARS OLD.

HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

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FREE PUPPIES:

1/2 COCKER SPANIEL

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

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FREE PUPPIES

PART GERMAN SHEPHERD

PART STUPID DOG

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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 LBS

NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE

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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG

LOOKS LIKE A RAT...

BEEN OUT AWHILE.

BETTER BE REWARD

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1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/OFFER

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AMANA WASHER $100

OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO

SELDOM WASHED.

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SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...

ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS

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2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:

1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, Pair: 15.

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TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH

ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L AUTO.

EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

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STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

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SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE: 89

CENTS

______________________________________

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY.

LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL

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FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS

WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME

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FOR SALE:

LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

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NORDIC TRACK - $300. HARDLY USED.

CALL CHUBBIE

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BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING

"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

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HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER

"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT."

_________________________________________

GET A LITTLE JOHN:

THE TRAVELING URINAL

HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

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HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

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GEORGIA PEACHES

CALIFORNIA GROWN

89 CENTS LB.

__________________________________________

NICE PARACHUTE:

NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

SLIGHTLY STAINED

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FREE: FARM KITTENS - READY TO EAT

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AMERICAN FLAG

60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

_________________________________________

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?

WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.

STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR

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EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:

QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175

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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER $300

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LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY

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ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

_________________________________________

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL

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OPEN HOUSE

BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON

FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

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KELLOGG'S POT FARTS - $1.99

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FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 LB.

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FOR SALE BY OWNER

COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES

EXCELLENT CONDITION. $1000/BEST OFFER

NO LONGER NEEDED. GOT MARRIED. WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING